flyingninjas's Blog

Its been one week after surgery.  I'm going insane.  I stay home all day.  I watch TV.  All day.   All day.  I can't drive for a month says the doctor.  I can't stand it anymore.  Its like I don't exist anymore.  Its been so much of this for so many months before surgery.  I didn't realize what a lifeline the little work I was doing was.  I could work on my thesis I guess.  I'm just so sick of being nothing for so much of the day. 

I'm going crazy.  I have been so hindered for so long.  And after having this back surgery, yeah, I definately notice improvement.  But because of the operation site surgery, I'm am REALLY FUCKING HANDICAPPED.  I HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING CONSTRUCTIVE IN SO LOOOONNNNGG.  I can't take it.  I can't drive for another three weeks.  Everyone is out in the world, helping people, contributing to society, doing something they love.  And I'm getting to this point wher eI don't even want to fucking try to do anything because my efforts are so hindered.

I used to hang glide, run, play huge piano recitals, write 80 pages of research and have a final draft in 3 months.  Now I'm so tired.  I don't want to do anything.  Answering the phone is a pain in the ass.  The major event of the day is dinner.  I'm tired.  I'm so tired.   So tired.  So very exhausted and tired.

So, I had back surgery 5 days ago.  

My back hurts like hell, but it is nothing compared to the pain I have had for the past few years.   These past few months have been especially painful.  It has gotten to the point where I just don't want to live.

Now that I've had this surgery, I feel better.  But I don't know how active I can be.  I have taken a month off work and I feel ok.  I have been laying down most of the day out of caution.  I move around a little.  I'm going back to talk to my doctor soon.

I'm scared.  The bad pain is over.  But I'm scared.  I don't know where my life is going now tha tI don't have chronic pain.  I don't know how not to live my life in pain.  I don't know what I can and can't do with this kind of surgery.  (I had part of a disc shaved, the part that was pressing my sciatic nerve.)  I do nothing all day.  Its driving my crazy.  

I had back surgery.  Micro discectomy I think it the technical term.  The doc took out the part of the disc that had bulged out of my spine and was pressing on my nerves that went down my left leg from my back.  My back hurts like hell because that is where the surgery happened.  But for the first time in years, my left leg doesn't hurt.  And the back pain is getting better.